chilly morning

Buddy...and then there were two...

2005-05-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Buddy is gone. He did not come back one day after being outside. He had that feline rhinovirus I think. Whitewash had it too,but he's fine-laying in front of my keypad right now. Buddy had a sneeze,so did Whitewash. But Whitewash got better. Buddy developed a cough. I did not have the money...you know the drill...besides they already HAD those shots for this year. I'm sorry to see him go,he was so cute and I loved him. He used to sit on my chest and I would pet his head and he would look and look and look at me the whole while. I loved him. Now there are only two.

chilly morning

2005-03-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

I got got got no time! The Guess Who used to sing that and it is going through my head! James is demanding all of my time. I need to clean up my cluttered house and make it look pretty for Gail and Jim who are stopping by on the 7th after an Eagles concert. I'm preparing all of his meals taking his glucose levels and washing up the dishes. And he is surly. I need some down time. I have forgotten to take my effexor for the last three days!! Yikes! My cats are making little dirty kitty prints all over my clean sink and counter top. The end.

2005-02-26T15:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't gotten a desk chair yet and am using a kitchen chair at my computer desk so that is also what contributes to my pain,not very ergonomic for the back and leg muscles!

James is going to be coming home from the hospital and I need to go buy another alarm clock since my old one doesn't want to work every time. James has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and diabetes. I will be cooking meals and taking his blood sugar. Ah, well, I needed a routine anyway. Guess I'll go now and take some of my clothes over to his house to be laundered.

It rained yesterday and I crawled under the flannel sheets and took a comfy nap for about three hours. Today it was sunny and cold and I went to the Hess-mart and got a Blimpie-footlong special. Very good! The best sandwich I can think of, besides Rachael Ray's Muffallata (sp?) from the food network show on cable. Anyway, guess I'll get going.

Friends and stuff

2005-02-23T03:09:00.000-08:00

I have remembered to take my effexor for about every day this week and am feeling better. I increased the dosage from 50 to 75 today. Last night and the night before were the first nights that I got 8hrs of sleep in a long while,I'm not sure how long I wasn't sleeping well. Guess I should chart on myself. I still have not received any Lorazepam in the mail. I hope no bum snitches it out of my mailbox again. I am predigiously checking the box starting at 10am to see what is in my box. Yesterday when I went up there was a bum on a bike on the sidewalk near my box. The mailman came right after I went up so I was able to retrieve a check from my Aunt, $50.oo wouldn't have wanted to lose that.

I called Jennifer yesterday inspite of being blown off two times earlier on the phone (not majorly,she just said after a while can I call you right back and never did). We talked for a while and I told her about James' heart surgery and how he is doing and that my check was accidentally held the first of the month and that I finally got that situation sorted out and had the money in the bank and was just waiting for it to clear,etc. She offered to take me to the bank and said she wanted to visit with me since it had been so long since we had seen each other (a month or more). We visited and had a nice time. She drove me to the bank and we burst into laughter when I tried to put the teller's pen back into the plastic tube and marked her hand with blue ink instead. She couldn't get it off at first and it both struck us at the same time as very funny!! I laughed untill tears rolled down my cheeks! It was very cathartic.

She says she has been very up and down for the last month since her daughter moved out to stay with a friend and her family. Then her daughter comes to visit on the weekend and they argue and butt heads and everthing is horrible again. Both are in therapy to try to learn how to communicate more effectively without pushing each others buttons. I wonder if their therapist has taught them about "I" messages? Also,I asked Jen if she had been taking her meds,she said yes. I guess they aren't working anymore.

I talked to my younger brother for a long time day before yesterday. He said he has the same problem with his legs hurting and that it is his back and all he has to do is stretch for awhile and it is fixed for the moment. He asked me a series of questions and we came to the conclusion that our problem has the same symptoms and that it must be my back that is causing it. I am stubborn and quick to dismiss my practioners diagnosis. He told me a year ago that it was my back causing my leg pain. I had an "aha" moment though when my brother was discribing his symptoms. Funny that I could be in denial about it. But my back hurts just a little all the time and a lot some of the time. I stretched today after I walked a couple of blocks in pain and then when I walked again I had no pain. Yippee! Hooray! I am planning on a stretching regimen before I walk now and after.

James is doing better. He had a double by-pass on the 15th and he is almost his old self again, he is walking around the hospital ward and taking showers by himself. I marvel at his ability to withstand pain. He doesn't use the plump pillow in the shape of a heart to hold against his stomache when he coughs for pain and to insure the stiches(metal clamps really) don't come out.
He is a regular John Wayne!! Gotta love him,the big galloof!

I bought a hang-up bag today with plastic bottles and jars to put shampoo and lotion and other stuff in. It is a little red colored case with two zippered compartments. It is in preparation for my trip to Washington on April first. I think I will go with my duckhead sports bag and my mlitary duffel bag and leave the American tourister at home. Hmn maybe not,I think I have the key to the American Tourister after-all.

James's dog Chico has taken a little getting used to. He has dry skin and scratches a lot and he chases my girl cat willow,and fights over food. Even when he thinks there might be food he fights and chases the cats away. And he pees in the house and doesn't tell me when he needs to go and when I take him out he does not do anything. I used to love him... Ha ha ha.

How long have I been rambling on? I think I could do this all day. I like my new case,I enjoy spending money on things I will get years of use out of. Things that are useful and neccessary. Guess that's it for now.

Spring!

2005-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

I went on another mile walk today and noticed the canadian redbuds are just budding and the chinese magnolia are in flower that means spring is around the corner. The wild violets in my yard are in bloom and so is the oxalis. On my walk a nice lady said hi to me. she was putting up chicken wire around her fence trying to keep her rabbits in. I saw two rabbits . It is 71 degrees today. I wore a long sleeve oxford shirt and a light weight jacket on my walk and I was uncomfortably warm-must dress better tomorrow. I walked yesterday too.

Jennifer still has not gotten in touch with me. To tell you the truth I am enjoying not being in her company. So much less drama and noise. She complained too much about all her other friends and ex-husbands. Now she can complain behind my back too.

James is scheduled for open-heart surgery as soon as a bed opens up at either Memorial or Baptist hospital. He is in Orange park medical center hooked up to a heart moniter. He needs Quadrupal bypass surgery. I call him several times a day and I am keeping his dog who has peed on my bed, rug, and bathroom in spite of me letting him out often. Other wise he has been well behaved except my female cat refuses to come in the house so i feed her outside.

Well, thats it for today,gotta make lunch. Pork chops and mustard greens a deep south favorite.

2005-02-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

Yuck!! My kidneys still hurt and for the last two days I have had greasy chinese take-out and box pizza. I have decided that those two foods are off my list! And all cheese too. No more cottage cheese! No more cream cheese. No more cows milk.

Jennifer L. is still not talking to me. Inspite of my nice card and my apology. I always apologize even though I wasn't in the wrong. I apologized for my part in even giving her the impression of something. Wierd I know.

James is very seriously ill. Right now I suspect he is in the hospital because I can't reach him at home and we always talk every night at a certain time. He has had congestive heart failure for a number of years and has filled up with fluid in the last couple of days. His sister-in-law asked me to make sure he walks to try to get some of the fluid out. His heart is enlarged. He continues to smoke when he gets the chance. Bad. Bad.

I myself smoked untill ten years ago. Terrible. And don't get me started on all the second hand smoke I have gotten over the years as a child with grandparents,then my mother took it up and I married a smoker when I was quit, I later took it back up.

The weather-It was in the 70's the last two days and if I had felt better I would have gone for my mile walk. I will as soon as I'm up to speed. Kidneys still hurt.

Nothing good in this Post. What can I think of to say that is positive? I will try harder to get back in shape and eat right. I actually bought Melons and strawberries and grapes and have been eating them everyday. Much better than drinking orange juice. I should get some grapefruit. This a diary and I'm thinking out loud. This is the time when I miss my Mother the most. She would be very comforting right now. She would never have allowed me to get in such bad shape. For god sakes when she was alive we worked out at a spa and I had my picture in their ads! Me-slim and pretty. That was then this is now. I crashed into a depression when she died that was very harful to my body.

Well,this is begining to sound like one big pity party,feeling sorry for myself. I'll stop. At least I started sifting through paper work in the last couple of days. I want to get the new computer corner table up this week. That will keep my mind off things.

Leah K.

2005-01-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

I had a really neat outing with my Aunt Leah on Monday. We went to a new Thai restaurant on cassat. We both enjoyed the spicy green beens and the tilapia. It was buffet style and the choices were very few but I didn't say so. Anyway, during lunch we talked about me. My aunt is good at asking questions and I'm not so we talk about how I am doing This time she said I was my old self again like I was when I was a teen-ager! Wow. I explained to her that part of the reason I am overweight is because the medicine I take for the Bi-Polar disorder causes an increase in appetite. I used Rosemary Clooney as an example. She understood. It is nice that my Aunt understands me now and she is not afraid of me anymore. I mean she actually enjoys my company now.

After lunch-which she paid for we went shopping at Lowe's hardware store and Home-depot. Leah is quite the knowledgable and handy fixer-upper,even though she is a wealth-management officer at a large bank here in Jacksonville. Single,married for a blink,successful. Late 50's looks mid-30ish.tall,very good looking. Slim. I chuckel to myself sometimes when I am with her because she Is a Half-Aunt only related on my mother's side and unfortunately I do not look like that side of the family. I kind of bask in her glow when I am with her and she does not even realize it.

We went shopping for burglar doors with bars and window locks. We found those and also went window Shopping!!! I love going window shopping with my Aunt. She asks my opinion like it matters and makes me feel very special. It is a neat thing we have between us. Leah K- "Which of these groups of post lamps do you like the best?" 'I kind'a like these'- me pointing to the Baroque style. "What about these?"says Leah K. pointing to the mission style post lamp. 'oh,yes I like those too of course,but I think I prefer the others better.' I respond. Then we move on to the next thing closet doors and other quandry household items. My Aunt Leah has moved into a new house last year and is in the process of her favorite thing-remodeling and re-decorating. She's been in the house actually over a year and takes me by now to see the place. It is not in her usual oriental style. She explains that she got rid of a lot of things when she moved the last time to the downtown apartments. The house is tastefully decorated in a casablanca style now. She gives me the grand tour,and then out to the yard. That is a miller(The plant lovers)tradition to see what plants are in the yard. She has a meyer's lemon. I love lemons and she plucks off several to give to me to take back home. You can eat 'em whole skin and all because they are not tart.

The end.

I love my life now. I have four good friends(your included Jenny) and one close relative near me in town. I have my favorite brother and a new niece and a sister -in-law just waiting to meet me in 2 1/2 months. All is right with the world. Even though I am not rich,or even well off money wise. I am happy.
Diana pf_flyer

2004-12-13T05:37:00.000-08:00

Well,it's a bracing 52 degrees outside and since I don't run a heater at night it is near that cold in the house! I've got a steaming carafe of hawaiian Hazelnut coffee so that should warm me up. I slept comfy under two blankets,a spread and flannel sheets. Whitewash and Buddy slept against my behind. Willow had already escaped out the front door when I opened it to carry the trash out to the curb. I think this whole blogger thing most be out of order. It's rather irritating to hardly be able to see what you are typing!! Only Whitewash is in the house sitting on the back of the couch catching the updraft of the heater. and now I'm going to get some more coffee and get my own hands warm!

Google Toolbar Installed

2004-12-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Google Toolbar InstalledYay! I got it back.

Catnapper

2004-12-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

Buddy stepped on my keys again!! Arghh! Right now he is chewing on the corner of my key board! He already lost my Google Toolbar and I've tried to download it again without success. I did manage to install Google desktop for all the good it does me and now I have a Google icon on my screen monitor. I've had this bloody computer now for 6 months and am still feeling my way around clumsily. I have to say it is not my fault buddy jumps on the keys and messes things up. He is so rambunctious! Buddy is rather attention seeking this morning because Whitewash has retired to the top of the t.v. to get away from buddy. Buddy will eventually sleep when I get off the computer. I had to put sticky tape on top of the monitor to keep him off of it.

Well, besides losing my blog button and Google bar I've still got something to be slightly annoyed about. My flight itenerary has been changed by the airline already! I only booked the flight to Seattle three days ago and they already changed it!! Oh, well. I'll get over it! I just searced for so long for the perfect flight and everything was under MY CONTROL and they went and changed it right away!! I'll just have to pretend that I planned it that way all along! I'm really looking forward to my visit with Eric and Michelle and the new baby! I bought the ticket 4 months in advance so that everything would be under MY CONTROL so that I would be as comfortable as possible, because I anticipate that my legs will swell. Also, I don't want to be thirsty,hungry or have to get up to go to the bathroom too many times. I just want to enjoy the flight!!

That was a long paragraph! Whew! Well, my head ache is gone. That's good for me. I guess it is time to wash the morning dishes now. I had too many cups of coffee. Anyway... Buddy catnapped on my arm the whole time I've been typing this. Makes it difficult. I love him though,that's why I put up with him. He is such a cute little guy. He likes my warm sweater. His head is resting in the crook of my elbow ever so sweetly...

Chilly Morning

2004-11-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

I opend the door and the chill fierce air crept it's way inside the door and as I stood there looking on it seemed to swirl around me and behind me and then from the back of my spine straight up through me untill I was thoroughly chilled to the marrow. I closed the door tightly shut and decidedly locked it, first the bottom latch and then the top dead boldt. I went to the bedroom and climbed under three covers and a sheet and lay shivering and weptfor a while until I said to myself 'this is rediculous what have I to be afraid of -the wind?' In truth I had received and e-mail from Gail earlier that day. A neighbor of hers accross the street had died suddenly. He was in the prime of his life. He was a healthy man in his early 60's who had never smoked and he was physically active and fit. He had helped Gail and her husband Jim clear the oak away in their backyard that hurricane Frances had blown down.
She sounded sad in the e-mail, and I didn't think there was anything I could do to comfort her. I had put off e-mailing her,hoping I would have some words of wisdom later..

pf_flyer

chilly morning

2004-11-23T19:14:00.000-08:00

chilly morning

How can it be so easy to be so wrong? And, so hard to say...'I'm sorry'.
-Anonymous

Because ! Your going to die...

2004-11-20T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm still running Jennifer's comments over in my head. "Your mother must have been wonderful inspite of her illness." "You've alreadymade up for it." She meant of course that she has decided that in order for me to be so lacking in criticism and for me to have what she sees as such a forgiving nature that my Mother must have been truly remarkable. Think I could have worded that better...anyway... I replied "if you only knew how unkind I used to be to Mom you wouldn't be so quick to sing my praises. " I also said, "I made up my mind after she died that the only thing I could do to make up for how badly I treated her, for scorning her and rebuffing her, was to do the best I could by everone else for the rest of my life." After all, MY MOTHER DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC. She wasn't trying to hurt me. SHE WASN'T DRINKING JUST TO HURT ME. SHE DID NOT WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SAY "LATER ON TODAY I THINK I'LL HURT DIANA BY GETTING DRUNK!"

It is too damn bad I did not show as much compassion for Mom as I did for my patients. I saw them for 28 days and then they were gone. I was doing my JOB! Mom on the other hand I had a real vested interest in. I knew she would die if she did not quit drinking.

The worst possible abuse that one can inflict upon another is to become so full of self-pity for your own plight that you detach yourself as far away as your mind will possibly let you. First though you do your best to communicate your scorn for them. Rebuffing and reguiling them at every turn until at last you have managed to harden their heart away from you. That is what I did to my Mom. She did not do anything to me as an adult. She did not mean to do anything to me as a child. SHE WAS WONDERFUL WHEN SHE WASN'T DRINKING.

If only I had answered "BECAUSE YOUR GOING TO DIE!!" When she asked, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE ERIC AND ACCEPT MY ALCOHOLISM?" The damndest thing is what I really could have said was how I was feeling. ' I love you too much to let you go Mom,please don't leave me, Please don't die!!' My stuff, all mine. I could have said ' I'm afraid you will die and leave me alone and how will I cope then because the only thing holding me together all these years was taking care of you what will I do when you are gone?' That's what I could have said.

Instead I said nothing...

As winter approaches I am reminded of the time I came looking for her in the middle of the night and found here here. Lifeless and spent. This time she wasn't in an alcohol induced stupor. This time she was gone for good. Just her shell was left. Funny how just the weekend before she had told me in confidence where the key to the back door was,(in case you ever come over and I'm not here)she said. Funny... as I stood staring at her lifeless body...all I could say over and over to myself was...'she's not here,she's not here,she's not here...'

It was chilly that evening when Derrick roused me from my slumber. Somehow I knew to take my long coat. The green and gold plaid one that had been my Aunt Rena's ,whose house my mother was living in at that time, whose house I live in at this time of my writing. Anyway, I was up from my awful dream and riding in Derrick's hot rod in the middle of the night to find my mother. Of course we all knew something was wrong,but what this time we didn't know. I don't think we spoke much. Besides it was all on me this time ,as it always was,to find out what was wrong and deal with it . Fix it.

It was dark in the house ,so Derrick shone his lights as best he could on the back door. I fumbled around and found the keys in the plastic butter container, on the plant stand just where my mother had said they would be. In the dark I found the keyhole feeling with my fingers and I deftly
inserted the key in the lock., I had no idea why it was so easy when I had never done it before. When I looked in the whole house was dark.. I called out several times and then gingerly took a few halting steps passed the adjacent bathroom and bedroom doors and flipped the switch for the hall light. Nothing happened. I was still standing in pitch dark, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face...

pf_flyer

My 46th winter

2004-11-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

Today,right this minute on 105th Street it is 56 degrees. Later in the day the news man said it will get down to 44 degrees. It's winter. Buddy, my 3month old kitten is so cold he is sleeping on my foot as I write on my desktop. Guess I'll turn the heater on and aquiesce to the cold. Make a pot of decaf 8 o'clock hazelnut, my favorite.
Time to go...to sleep,purchance to dream...
-pf_flyer

George

2004-11-15T21:53:00.001-08:00

Every winter since 2001 I've missed George. I'll never be able to replace him...he was one of a kind. Sweet and loveable but standoffish in the way that some cats who were first raised outside are. He was a grey mackrel tabby short hair with blue eyes. He died during that bitter cold of 20 degrees because he was too stuborn to come indoors because I had taken on another kitten-Willow. Now she is four years old and the old lady of the house and has to suffer herself to share the house with a one year old upstart and a mere 3 month old kitten.
pf_flyer

George

2004-11-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

After two days of 20 degree weather in 2001 I finally left a box coverd over with blanket for George. He had the good sense to climb in and the next morning I went out to see if he was alive. His water dish was frozen over. I peered in careful not to startle him. He looked up at me with sunken in retinas imploring me to do something ,too weak to put up a fight. I scooped George box and all and carefully as to not jostle him carried the box into the back door of the house. I set the box in the bedroom. He stayed in it the rest of the day. He came out but never drank or ate anything again and once he came and sat and my lap and I petted him,sobbing for I knew the end was near. Later that night he tried to climb into the bathroom cupboard,looking for a place to hide away from the pain as animals instinctivly do. I wouldn't let him though. I sat on the floor holding him in my arms. Finally he pushed himself away and in a frenzy turned in circles. Yet his legs had lost their mobility and he was desperately dragging himself around with just his front paws.
He made it into the bedroom. I followed and cradeled his head on my knees and he let out a final gasp of air and then he was gone.
I buried him in the back yard in the middle of the wintergreen plants.
pf_flyer